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Okay, so here's my dilemma:
I have a ridiculous brain.
It runs nonstop.
I'm desperate for someone to share my love with.
I'm desperate for that person to just fall asleep in his arms.
I'm soooo fucking desperate for that one person who just holding hands with them can be the greatest thing in the world.
I'm desperate for that boy who I can get close to, and feel their warmth, knowing they'll love me regardless, knowing that he'll protect me from all harm. Trusting him with not only my life, but more importantly, my heart.
Because of my desperateness (sp?) I tend to make everyone who COULD be gay, gay. I come up with big, long, elaborate stories, ideas, scenarios. How it could all turn out so perfectly. I essentially set myself up for disappointment. When this disappointment rolls around, I go into self-depricating (sp?) mode. I feel useless, fat, ugly, horrible. I eat and eat and eat. I self-harm, and self-hate. Usually it's because these boys don't like me, or they're [straight].
So my question is, Alice, how do I stop this awful cycle?
What can I do to make my brain calm down, and not jump into things?
You know, honestly, I think instead of trying to stay out of things you NEED to jump into things. Just meet a guy, you're [I'm not sure, but assuming] only a kid!
But to calm your thoughts? That's something I can't help you with. You might just need something good to help you like writing or drawing or music, you know?
And whatever you do, STOP self depricating! Please, I beg you, be good to yourself. You deserve it.
Much love. Write back please, and good luck.
-Alice
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