i'm a 16 year old girl who lives with her father. I do have a twin. but yeah back to what i was saying. haha i live in this wierd world of love of anumals and horses and cows. i have a fear of germs and clowns but yet i make it through life. but lately ive been faced with some things i wish i didnt have to face.

My GF passed away on June 18th, 2007 and ever since then ive had this struggle of eating, sleeping, and even talking. but the other day i went to the park and i felt her there, i know that sounds weird but she was there. and it was nice. but i miss her so much. my life feels empty without her. although im keeping in touch with her best friend its still hard. its made it easier to accept but ive gone through a stage of not knowing what to do, then to the stage of crying and no sleep and no food, to the stage of hardly eating and no sleep. but yet i still fight because i know she would want me to. even though my heart feels empty. ive asked myself the question "will i ever date again" and when i do i just cry because im not ready to face that yet..

....

All before my GF passed away i was and still am at risk for Leukemia. and i got my first set of tests back. and i am just heart broken. my chances turned out to be so high that my red blood count is 30 thosend. meaning i go in for treatment now. they are doing a bone marrow test on Tuesday the same day im supossed to go get my new baby horse. -ugh-. but yet this is far more imporantat this is my life on the line. im so nervous and scared. i dont want to have this cancer.

I Now kinda understand where my grandpa was comming from when he told me " take each day as your last" because honestly it could be your last day without knowing it. i hate to think like that but in all reality its true. i lost my GF, she was my best friend the love of my life and everything more... then i lost myself. i mean im not happy at all im on the verge of severe depression (again). and my parents well my dad wants to send me to a hospital for help maybe thats the right thing to do... -sigh- i dont know any more i dont even know myself any more.

I want to be that little girl again who use to smile and run around and play and talk and just be a goof. but im having such a hard time getting there. i've been through so much. i want to be the little girl who use to go to the barn every day and smile and laugh and ride.

When i was 7 years old all hell broke lose and my mum met this guy who never deserves to live. yet he does. but whatever. and then about 7 months ago the hell stoped and court started. well court is pretty bad to because the people force you to relive every freaking detail. but im getting through thart. its been 7 months.

So sorry bout the ramblings. im just so flustered with myself and my life i want to change everything and -ugh- its proving to be hard. but on a happy not tomarrow Thursday June 28,2007 is my last day of Sophomore year!! so yeah.. sorry you guys.