You close your eyes. You strap yourself down. You gaurd your heart with chains and nails. No one can reach you and no one can hurt you, but all the same no one can love you. You smother your warmth, your sympathy and love. All that is left is a hard frozen heart, and lifeless soul. You obsorb all the pain that is brought you and thrust it up on those that bring you relief. You strike at hands that reach for you and fight battles that never start. Love is ended befor it starts and hate is started before it ends. And so here you remain eyes shut to the world and unable to move. Gaurded by pain that has been brought unto you. You can not be reach so you can not be hurt. You are a blizzard uncalmed or warmed by love. With no emotion, you attack love and fight fate. You froze your heart to love.

As I go on about this cruel world

I feel as if I am dying

Dying from a feeling that hurts so much inside

That feeling is a wound of the heart

People think I'm carefree

But they have no idea that they are being decieved

Why do I have a wound of the heart you may ask

If you want to know, ask that girl over there

The one who doesn't even care

Doesn't care about how much I love her

How much I've done for her

And yet...

She still won't aknowledge the fact that I love her

Even after all the times

She broke my heart

Made my world fall apart

I still love her and I don't know why

It hurts so much that I want to cry

To love someone so much

I just want to die...

i've been writing.
---

tears catch on the page
blank
but there is no need for words.
i watch these walls turn to quicksand
i hear the melody of the victory rose
and wonder where the angels sing
i feel the wind touching the grass
but never kissing, it is not alive

i think to myself,
'prophets reach epiphanies in states
like these'--
...
...
...
but i'm no prophet.
i must always scratch an itch
must always hold my breath
as words i never hear
scroll down my arms
like water on wax

'teach me the language of love,'
they say.

in silence
i release a dove from its cage.
------------

i want to go running in the rain.
i want to wash the day's sweat off, want to clean my spirit of all the stagnation, the self-induced sins.
then when i fall from running so hard, i want to scream at the trees, at the world, and demand to know what they want.  demand to give me back what's it taken from me (though i don't know exactly what's gone.)
then i'll do what i always do:

lie in my bed with no blankets, staring outside to the moon or inside at my ceiling, listening to azure ray.
and think over everything again and again and again.
hoping that perhaps i'll be rewarded with a glimpse of the future;
or maybe a secret of the past to shed light on the present.

oh, tie me to the end of a kite.

    I don't understand why ANY of you on this site would EVER discriminate. You're gay/bi/lesbian/trans. You should know what it's like to be hated for who you love, but yet you continue to discriminate on someone because of their gender, size, color, religion, and sometimes even because of their sexuality?

 

    For those of you that do that, you disgust me. If you discriminate against anyone in ANY way, shape, or form. Don't speak to me, NOT EVER.

 

    I don't understand.

    Why? 

Your friend died yesterday.

 

Yesterday, my friend Brandon was swimming in Waterford when a storm rolled through. He got out of the water and was standing on a cement block at the boat launch when he was struck by lightning. He was transported to St. Mary's hopsital where he was pronounced dead.

What a great thing to wake up to. He was only 17 and although we didn't hang out much, he was my friend. I'm shaking. Ack. Wow. My dad says it's an act of God. Of corse I just believe that things happen for a reason. 

Summers gonna be different though, I can tell you that. Damn. 

RIP Brandon Micheal Jones 9.14.89 - 6.27.07 

i'm a 16 year old girl who lives with her father. I do have a twin. but yeah back to what i was saying. haha i live in this wierd world of love of anumals and horses and cows. i have a fear of germs and clowns but yet i make it through life. but lately ive been faced with some things i wish i didnt have to face.

My GF passed away on June 18th, 2007 and ever since then ive had this struggle of eating, sleeping, and even talking. but the other day i went to the park and i felt her there, i know that sounds weird but she was there. and it was nice. but i miss her so much. my life feels empty without her. although im keeping in touch with her best friend its still hard. its made it easier to accept but ive gone through a stage of not knowing what to do, then to the stage of crying and no sleep and no food, to the stage of hardly eating and no sleep. but yet i still fight because i know she would want me to. even though my heart feels empty. ive asked myself the question "will i ever date again" and when i do i just cry because im not ready to face that yet..

....

All before my GF passed away i was and still am at risk for Leukemia. and i got my first set of tests back. and i am just heart broken. my chances turned out to be so high that my red blood count is 30 thosend. meaning i go in for treatment now. they are doing a bone marrow test on Tuesday the same day im supossed to go get my new baby horse. -ugh-. but yet this is far more imporantat this is my life on the line. im so nervous and scared. i dont want to have this cancer.

I Now kinda understand where my grandpa was comming from when he told me " take each day as your last" because honestly it could be your last day without knowing it. i hate to think like that but in all reality its true. i lost my GF, she was my best friend the love of my life and everything more... then i lost myself. i mean im not happy at all im on the verge of severe depression (again). and my parents well my dad wants to send me to a hospital for help maybe thats the right thing to do... -sigh- i dont know any more i dont even know myself any more.

I want to be that little girl again who use to smile and run around and play and talk and just be a goof. but im having such a hard time getting there. i've been through so much. i want to be the little girl who use to go to the barn every day and smile and laugh and ride.

When i was 7 years old all hell broke lose and my mum met this guy who never deserves to live. yet he does. but whatever. and then about 7 months ago the hell stoped and court started. well court is pretty bad to because the people force you to relive every freaking detail. but im getting through thart. its been 7 months.

So sorry bout the ramblings. im just so flustered with myself and my life i want to change everything and -ugh- its proving to be hard. but on a happy not tomarrow Thursday June 28,2007 is my last day of Sophomore year!! so yeah.. sorry you guys.

My GF of 2 months passed away on June 18th, 2007. and as hard as it is for me to accept it... i've cried every night and i went through a stage of not eating or sleeping. and my family is worried but this blog isnt bout me. my GF Lisa Rotini was only 17 years old she didnt deserve to pass. At first they (the doctors) thought she passed from a hemmerige but then later on when they did the odtopsy found out it was a blood clot that ruptured and came lose. she had her Funeral June 23rd, 2007. she was wearing a white dress with a ring of babys breath around her head. her coffin was a light pink. i couldnt attend the funneral but thats what i've told by her best friend. and her best From said the "speech" i wrote so that at least my words would be there. i miss her so much. at age 17 she was out-going, loving, caring, and even most she was BIG hearted. she had pretty brown eyes and long brown hair. she was the love of my life.  she understood me and cared bout me when nobody else did. me and her have and had been through the same "trama" and distaters. and we both knew what it was like to not be accepted by the people that love us, our family. Even though Lisa has passed she is still in my heart and always will be.

I havent yet figured out how to move on with my life. or how to eat every meal or how to sleep at night. but in time iwill learn how to go on about my daily life things again. she was a BIG part in my life and to have it taken away from me has taken a LARGE part of my heart.

I have to say thankx to Debbie. she is Lisa's best friend and we are keeping in touch. she has shared so many things with me like poems my baby wrote about me and fore me and pictures of my girl. and so much more. but we have both given eachother hope, curage, and everything that we might need to get through this. so thank you Debbie!

Lisa had sustained a bad beating from her step dad and that caused her to be in a lot of pain. and that also caused her death a week later. On Sunday we had talked. June 10th, 2007. that day we were talking bout how she would be here in 4 days. but the next day she passed. she's still in our hearts. I was so excited for her to be here and everything every day we would talk for hours. she would give up time with her family and friends to be with me online. and we had a lot of talks serious and funny and in the end we went to bed each night knowing that we were going to be together in a matter or days we went to bed with smiles on our faces and tears gone knowing we were both okay. yet on Monday i went to bed upset and not knowing what was wrong my GF hadnt been online at all (not normal) and then Tuesday i went to bed upset again she hadnt been on again (not normal) then wedneday i staid after school knowing today was the big day. and she never showed, i went home and checked my e-mail feeling upset and torn because nothing had gone right. but i came online and saw an e-mail under her name and it was from her friend Debbie who told me all the details. i sat in my chair for about 4 hours crying none stop not knowing what i was gunna do any more, for the love of my life had been taken away from me. so now i sit here and im still sad but yet im getting through the days with the help of Debbie and a few friends. it still doesnt feel real.

If you've had someone close to you pass then you know what it feels like. i hate the feeling. knowing im going to wake up every day and NEVER again smell her sent and never hug or kiss her. or talk to her. to know shes gone and not with us any more. it simply kills me and my heart. i feel like i wont move on but yet i might. so for this i wrote this blog to tell everyone that on June 18th, 2007 we lost a very very special girl. one who was loved by many.

-- This is all her mum's BF's fault. i hope the guy gets what he deserves. she was so sweet. i wonder to myself how could anyone beat their child or teen to the point of suffer or even at all for nothing. she suffered a week with bleeding in the brain, bruising in the stomach, and caughing up blood, head aches and lots of tears.--

*baby i miss you so much. i wish you were here. you never deserved this. i wish i could have said "i love you" one more time. and given you one last hug and one last kiss. i wish i could have been there for you all the way through. and im sorry i wasnt there on your last days. i miss you so much. my days arent the same. but Debbie is taking such good care of me and im trying to take care of her. so please R.I.P. Hun I miss you so gosh damn much.*

Please take a moment for her..

What does one say when all the words have left? When my head is still spinning from the shock that you could carry so much hatred. You've somehow become another person that I don't understand. I'm not sure how I carry this simplistic mind set around. That people should love one another and no one should kill people and there are better ways than hatred. How did you become this person? Do you even recognize yourself in the mirror anymore? Because I was the one who knew you best and I don't know who you are anymore. I'm sorry to say, but I knew it was over all those months ago. In April. There is no such thing as 'loved'. Because once you love somebody and you give away that piece of you, you never stop loving them. And if I was never able to show you that I cared, maybe it was a good thing. I'm past the point where I need to think about you constantly. And thats a good thing. But I will never forget. It's weird, for once in my life, I'm alright. I can walk down the street holding her hand know that everything will be okay. But I sing myself to sleep and when singing turns to tears, I sometimes wonder if I'm still that lost child.

So I'm pretty much going to keep this blog because...Well...sometimes there are just things I have to say that don't need to be seen my anybody who knows who I am. I am far too complicated for everybody to know my business. It's my job to know everything.

i went into the woods yesterday, because i couldn't stand to be inside anymore. 
plus i had to think things through.  so i went down there; the path was overgrown.  no one had been down there to the creek since everything was dead in fall.  but i found it.
i talked to myself (that's what i do when i'm alone like that) about a lot of things.  ok, maybe one or two things.  i wanted to cry.  i wanted to stay down there away from people.  it wasn't a happy feeling, but it was peaceful if that makes sense. 

it feels like i don't really want to be in love, even though i wait all day for a call or at least a text from a boy i have a thing for.  this is what i convinced myself down there in the woods:  i'm not the one he likes.  if he did, wouldn't he have called?  but still one point remains: all that shameless flirting.  did that mean nothing?  maybe he was waiting for me to call?  no, i texted him.  i even dreamt in my sleep that he replied during the night.  i dreamt that i woke up and read the message he sent, and i know exactly what it said.  i thought it was real, until i woke up and saw that there was in fact no message there in my inbox.  so, that's it: it's not me.

i want to go to the lake and swim down as far as i can, want to feel the water around me and i just want to float and stare at the sky for a while.  alone.  i don't know why i have this sudden urge to be alone, but fuck, it's a good feeling to be alone.  but i hate it at the same time.  i've been alone all summer long. 

"you don't know what love is till you see her standing there.
a web of skin and nails and hair.
a web of skin and nails and hair
and bones and bones
and thoughts
rush in and arch your head, you think are you alive
but your dead
you keep driving in your car asleep"