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Alright, well, I love my girlfriend very much. I do, I know I love her. However, with school starting and both of us going into our sophomore year, I don't feel like I want to be with her anymore.
Well, for one, we aren't out. I'm out as a lesbian, however I'm not out as a lesbian who has a straight girlfriend, to my mother. We're out to our friends, but not her family, and like I said, not my mother, but my dad and that whole side of the family knows (my parents are split up). Since she thinks she's straight, and there's only a small chance of her being bi (at least that's what she says), she isn't comfortable holding hands with me in public, and if we went to the same school, she wouldn't be comfortable with it in school either. But holding hands is a big thing for me, it always has been. She's my first girl, but no matter what, it's always been an important thing to me.
Despite that, though, I've kept my cool and for the most part have gotten over it.
Next, I have a lot on my plate this coming school year. I have all honors classes, and I am going to be very active in my drama department this year, I'm starting a GSA at my school, and I'm in choir. All these things are insanely important to me. I don't want anything to keep me from focusing on them, because I feel as though I have to call her because we never see each other. And we'll see each other less during the school year, and I just won't have enough time to call her at night. I'll be doing homework, or getting ready for bed or something. Not to mention, she has a lot going on too.
Also, I'm finally comfortable and happy about my gayness (lol), and I kinda wanna explore a little. I wanna meet another girl who I think is cute and flirt with her and stuff like that. I wanna have a relationship where I won't have to walk on eggshells. I can hold her hand if I want, I can kiss her if I want, the whole ordeal of a real lesbian relationship.
BUT! I don't know if I can break up with her. I love her, ya know? And I don't wanna break up with her. I just don't. Something gives me the feeling that I might feel better if I did. But something also gives me the feeling that I would regret it. I'm SO afraid of regretting it.
She was just here about a half hour ago, and we were hugging, because she missed me so much, and all I could think was, "I think we should break up.", and "God, I dunno if I want to be with her anymore." Whenever I looked into her face I thought that. She's gorgeous, but man, I dunno. I wonder if I'd still have feelings for her after it was over. I don't want that.
I'm so afraid of how she'll react. Part of me wants her to not care, but I'd know she'd be pretending if she did that, just so I wouldn't feel bad. And I hate when she does that. But at the same time, I don't want her to break down crying either.
Plus, I have a HUGE audition for a musical coming up, and I don't want to be emotionally effected by anything going on in the outside world when I'm auditioning. I'm afraid that if I break if off with her and regret it, then I'll be too emotional to kick ass, lol.
I really wish she would break up with me.
I have no idea what the hell to do. I don't want to break up with her, but at the same time, I don't know if I wanna stay. I can't see myself wanting to stay with her for much longer. There are times when I love her, and then there are times when I really think it's time to let it go.
I know break ups are supposed to be painful, but can you guys help me make it as painless as possible? Thanks.
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